When I was growing up I was one of those types of kids that cause parents to turn grey early in life. In fact my mother turned grey by age 29. LOL There were times when I would test my mothers patience to the point that I received what is called the silent treatment. There would be an hour or two or even possibly a day where she would not speak to me. I realized quite quickly that when this happened that I had really blown it that time. Not always is the silent treatment a negative thing. There are times when it is appropriate for someone to take some time not communicating with someone but where do you draw the line between appropriate quietness and abuse? I hope to help you figure out that line for yourself so that you do not end up wounding someone with the this behavior or help you understand that if you are on the receiving end of the someone treating you this way where to say enough is enough and no longer continue in an abusive relationship.
What is the silent treatment?
The silent treatment is the act or behavior of someone who is completely ignoring another person. This behavior is normally associated with the communication of disapproval or punishment of the person being ignored. It is a controlling behavior placing the one doing the ignoring in control of all aspects of the relationship by denying any form of relationship. The term “The Silent Treatment” was first coined in 1947. It is used by a lot of people in today’s society.
Proper way to be quiet when things are tense.
This behavior can, in limited form be a healthy thing for a relationship. There are times in any relationship where during a heated exchange a “time out” is needed to let things cool down. This can last for a couple of hours to at most a couple of days where both parties get their emotions under control before continuing a conversation. The time of silence is being used to evaluate what is going on and to empathize with the other persons perspective. This can be a healthy thing in a relationship. My mother used this technique when she knew she would damage me if she continued without a season of silence.
Improper use of the silence as a punishment.
If the silent treatment lasts beyond a short season then it has gone over the line of a healthy response to a heated situation and into a very destructive and harmful form of emotional abuse. No longer is it about cooling down and trying to figure out a solution to the problem, it has now become a way to punish and control the other person. It is about getting your own way at any cost to the other person. Even if it means the end of the relationship or the way you want to end the relationship. By withholding communication with the other person, the person who is improperly using the silent treatment is withholding love, worth, respect, and value. Many times the silent treatment is used to bully and cow those that disagree with the person into a form of submission.
Common characteristics of those that improperly use the silent treatment.
The silent treatment is used primarily by those that have narcissistic tendencies. That is not to say they are a full blown narcissist but that they have some of the tendencies that are used to diagnose a narcissistic personality disorder. These characteristics are as follows.
- A grandiose sense of self importance. They think more highly of themselves than they ought.
- They live in a fantasy world of some type of perfection or strive to create a fantasy world of their own liking.
- They think of themselves as extraordinarily special and that only special people can understand them.
- They have an intense need for praise and admiration which demonstrates itself in the need to look good in front of others.
- They feel they are entitled to people rushing to their defense, always agreeing with them, or people treating them special.
- They will use people to gain whatever they want to gain.
- They are unable to empathize with others or have a hard time placing themselves in the other persons position.
- They are envious of what others have or think others are envious of them.
- They are arrogant and proud.
Is the silent treatment a form of emotional abuse?
The improper use of the silent treatment is a blatant form of emotional abuse from a Christian perspective. The withholding of love, acceptance and forgiveness is plain and simply sin. This sin when inflicted upon the victim of the silent treatment is abusive. Just as rape, murder, and physical abuse communicates the lack of any type of value towards the victim of these sins, so does the silent treatment communicate the same thing. The silent treatment is birthed in the same cesspool of iniquity as these sins. It is birthed in the flesh. It comes from placing self above both the other person and the heart of God towards that person. In all honesty it makes Jesus weep.
What do you do if you are on the receiving end of the silent treatment.
If it has only been a few hours or a couple of days then I would say to give them some time. Let them know they are loved and that you are open to talk when they are ready. Give them some gentle physical affirmation of your love like a stroke of the hand or a pat on the back. Maybe send them a card letting them know that even though you might disagree with them, that does not mean that you do not love them or want to work it out.
If it has been a longer period of time then you need to come to grips with the fact that you are involved with a person that is emotionally abusing you. You need to stop the cycle. Since the desire of the one giving the silent treatment in an abusive way is to punish you and remove approval from you, do things that are just the opposite of what they are trying to accomplish. Reward yourself in some way and do other things to validate yourself. Do not beg this person to stop the silent treatment. To beg is to give them what they are trying to accomplish and you are rewarding their abusive behavior. The silent treatment game is a whole lot less fun when no one is paying attention to it.
Finally but most importantly pray. The person that is engaging in the silent treatment in an abusive way is a wounded and broken person. Pray that God would do what it takes to bring them to a place of brokenness and healing. The same Jesus that valued you enough to die on the cross for you is the same Jesus that valued them enough to do the same. As much as they might be wounding you, they still have value in the eyes of God. Do not fall into the same trap they have by devaluing them as they have devalued you.
I truly hope that you have learned something about the silent treatment and how to deal with those that are using it as a form of control and manipulation. I have had to deal with both the healthy way to use the silent treatment and the unhealthy way some people use the silent treatment. I hope my experiences have helped you.
Blessings
Pastor Duke
About the Author:
Pastor Duke Taber has been a believer in Jesus for 33 years. He has been a pastor for over 20 years currently serving at the Vineyard church in Pine Haven Wyoming and was formerly the secretary treasurer of White Pine County Ministerial Association. He is an alumnus of LIFE Bible College and Multnomah Biblical Seminary. He is a syndicated blogger at The Christian Post and Believe.com You can connect with Pastor Duke on Google+, Twitter, or on Facebook
PastorDuke – who has written 727 posts on Taber's Truths Christian Living Magazine.
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Pastor,
I have been receiving the silent treatment for years. It is coming from a former close friend and her husband who also attends my church. Their daughter bullied my daughter years ago. Once I brought the situation to their attention the silent treatment began immediately from the husband. My former friend tried for a period of time to hang in there, but I believe it became too big a pressure in her home. On a rare occasion she might acknowledge my presence, and it gets my hopes up that we will have peace. But the next time I see her, it is back to silence. Often it appears to me that there is effort to keep from making eye contact. Apologies have been extended despite the fact that I didn’t think I did anything wrong. I made a last ditch effort last year and sent a peace offering in the form of a Christmas card. It was acknowledged but nothing was offered back, and behaviors didn’t change.
I have learned to pray blessings on these people. It does help me to do that. I can’t imagine anything that I could have done that was so wrong as to warrant this kind of treatment. I have never experienced pain like this in my life.
I do not want the relationship back. I only hope for some kind of peace.
I see these people frequently at church. It has been such a difficult thorn! Any words of wisdom you have would be appreciated. I still struggle as our daughters are in the same grade and still interact. These people are kind to my daughter, which I appreciate. But it is harder still to see them wave and smile at her and continue to snub me. I cannot write all the pain that these past years has contained, so I will stop here. Thanks for your time and prayers.
God bless,
Susan
I am not sure I have any words of wisdom Susan. I have not been able to break through with those that are using the silent treatment against me. I just pray for them and every so often try to send something as a reminder that this type of behavior is not the type of thing that Jesus would do and as followers of Jesus, He is our model.
Blessings
Pastor Duke
This is a good article. I wish I knew where to get more info. This article describes my abusive marriage of 17 yrs. I have known I was being abused but I couldnt exactly explain how he did it. I am not allowed to say how I feel or if there is something he did that I didn’t like. He never said I’m not allowed, it’s just the way he treats me afterwards demonstrates it. He doesn’t go tottaly silent just won’t discuss difficult or my issues, he is happy to talk about the weather, news or a tv show. He never admits to being wrong unless we have a big fight but then it doesn’t really mean it he is just saying it to shut me up. He seriously thinks he never make mistakes. He does hink he is perfect and he tells me I should notice the good things he does when I want to discuss a problem. Once I said we have marriage problems, we need to go to a counsellor and he said there was nothing wrong woth him. He never talks about making errors at his work and this concerned me but I didn’t know why. He doesn’t compromise and we don’t discuss problems or how to resolve things. I say can we do this this way, he says I don’t like it because of xxyz. I say well we can fix xyz and then still do it which to me is part of dialogue and reaching a resolution that we both agree to. But he then stops talking about it and won’t agree. He does his own thing. He thinks he is a wonderful person and to the outside world does look that way. I need more info about this? I looked up the narcissistic personality disorder but he is not that bad. Just bad enough to make me feel wrong all the time. I have low self esteem, get sick a lot and thought I could not live without him, I have no got away but will still need help.
You need to discuss this with your pastor or elders in your church or a Christian counselor. It needs to be someone local. I will be praying for you.
This is a good article. I wish I knew where to get more info. This article describes my abusive marriage of 17 yrs. I have known I was being abused but I couldnt exactly explain how he did it. I am not allowed to say how I feel or if there is something he did that I didn’t like. He never said I’m not allowed, it’s just the way he treats me afterwards demonstrates it. He doesn’t go tottaly silent just won’t discuss difficult or my issues, he is happy to talk about the weather, news or a tv show. He never admits to being wrong unless we have a big fight but then it doesn’t really mean it he is just saying it to shut me up. He seriously thinks he never make mistakes. He does hink he is perfect and he tells me I should notice the good things he does when I want to discuss a problem. Once I said we have marriage problems, we need to go to a counsellor and he said there was nothing wrong woth him. He never talks about making errors at his work and this concerned me but I didn’t know why. He doesn’t compromise and we don’t discuss problems or how to resolve things. I say can we do this this way, he says I don’t like it because of xxyz. I say well we can fix xyz and then still do it which to me is part of dialogue and reaching a resolution that we both agree to. But he then stops talking about it and won’t agree. He does his own thing. He thinks he is a wonderful person and to the outside world does look that way. I need more info about this? I looked up the narcissistic personality disorder but he is not that bad. Just bad enough to make me feel wrong all the time. I have low self esteem, get sick a lot and thought I could not live without him, I have no got away but will still need help.
You need to discuss this with your pastor or elders in your church or a Christian counselor. It needs to be someone local. I will be praying for you.
My daughter was directed to your website from her counselor and this has truly helped her have awareness. She sinned and repented but her fathers entire side of the family has used this form of abuse for over six months. What surprised me is when she confessed her sin some will not allow her to apologize and reconcile and continue to put her sin in her face and point out her sin in voice messages and text. Sadly this same group of people call them selves Christians. Silent treatment not only hurts the victim of abuse it also hurts those Christian family members who watch and can do nothing but pray. Further this is a true example sins of iniquity the mother, son and fathers son have repeated this behavior. Mother, daughter, and her daughters have perfected it. I have advised my daughter to have safe boundaries and walk away. She has a Father who loves her, and a relationship with her Father. These others don’t know the Father.
I am glad that it helped her have awareness and to work through some issues. I am sorry that she is being treated poorly by others.
My daughter was directed to your website from her counselor and this has truly helped her have awareness. She sinned and repented but her fathers entire side of the family has used this form of abuse for over six months. What surprised me is when she confessed her sin some will not allow her to apologize and reconcile and continue to put her sin in her face and point out her sin in voice messages and text. Sadly this same group of people call them selves Christians. Silent treatment not only hurts the victim of abuse it also hurts those Christian family members who watch and can do nothing but pray. Further this is a true example sins of iniquity the mother, son and fathers son have repeated this behavior. Mother, daughter, and her daughters have perfected it. I have advised my daughter to have safe boundaries and walk away. She has a Father who loves her, and a relationship with her Father. These others don’t know the Father.
I am glad that it helped her have awareness and to work through some issues. I am sorry that she is being treated poorly by others.
Thank you for sharing this information. We have experienced this behavior from our pastor and his wife for a period of 2 months. Finally they just stopped and acted like nothing had happened. It is quite perplexing and nerve wracking to be trying to go to church together and work for the same goals with this going on.
You are more than welcome my friends. I am sorry you are having to deal with it out of a leader.
Thank you for sharing this information. We have experienced this behavior from our pastor and his wife for a period of 2 months. Finally they just stopped and acted like nothing had happened. It is quite perplexing and nerve wracking to be trying to go to church together and work for the same goals with this going on.
You are more than welcome my friends. I am sorry you are having to deal with it out of a leader.
Greetings from Ohio! I’m bored at work so I decided to check out your website on my iphone during lunch break. I enjoy the knowledge you present here and can’t
wait to take a look when I get home. I’m shocked at how quick your blog loaded on my cell phone .. I’m
not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyhow, excellent site!
Greetings from Ohio! I’m bored at work so I decided to check out your website on my iphone during lunch break. I enjoy the knowledge you present here and can’t
wait to take a look when I get home. I’m shocked at how quick your blog loaded on my cell phone .. I’m
not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyhow, excellent site!
Thank you! This has been very informative and helpful. I also have been on the receiving end of Silent Treatment as a child and now as an adult. I appreciate the distinction you make between healthy uses and abuse.
Natalia, I am glad you were blessed and understand the subject of the silent treatment more. It is no fun and I hope you don’t have to spend your life with it. I am praying for you.
Thank you! This has been very informative and helpful. I also have been on the receiving end of Silent Treatment as a child and now as an adult. I appreciate the distinction you make between healthy uses and abuse.
Natalia, I am glad you were blessed and understand the subject of the silent treatment more. It is no fun and I hope you don’t have to spend your life with it. I am praying for you.
I am married to someone who knows he has anger, trust, insecurity, etc. issues…but what he is in total denial about is that he’s abusive – emotional & mental (used to also be verbal). He’s proud of the fact that his mother taught him to “never touch/hit a woman” BUT he will readily say she taught him the “better alternative” — the Silent Treatment. He used to do everything else up until the point of striking…and after seeing me pack my bags once…had an “epiphany” to how he was failing this marriage and has worked on his verbal anger. Right now, we haven’t spoken for a full week…and it’s going into week #2…I’m tired of living in denial that this is anything but an abusive marriage. Thank you for this info!
Laura, as much as it pains me to hear your story because I know the pain involved in the silent treatment, I am glad that the information brought to light some of the things you are going through.
My prayers are with you
Pastor Duke
I agree….I am going through this myself and I am tired of being unhappy. We have been married a year and this is the third time he has done this. I too, have packed my bags and left. He does not see anything wrong with it but when I tell him it hurts me he just states that it is the way he handles things….well, he can handle things by himself. Praying that he will see the errors of his ways and find peace. Someone who is an abuser does not have peace within.
I am married to someone who knows he has anger, trust, insecurity, etc. issues…but what he is in total denial about is that he’s abusive – emotional & mental (used to also be verbal). He’s proud of the fact that his mother taught him to “never touch/hit a woman” BUT he will readily say she taught him the “better alternative” — the Silent Treatment. He used to do everything else up until the point of striking…and after seeing me pack my bags once…had an “epiphany” to how he was failing this marriage and has worked on his verbal anger. Right now, we haven’t spoken for a full week…and it’s going into week #2…I’m tired of living in denial that this is anything but an abusive marriage. Thank you for this info!
Laura, as much as it pains me to hear your story because I know the pain involved in the silent treatment, I am glad that the information brought to light some of the things you are going through.
My prayers are with you
Pastor Duke
I agree….I am going through this myself and I am tired of being unhappy. We have been married a year and this is the third time he has done this. I too, have packed my bags and left. He does not see anything wrong with it but when I tell him it hurts me he just states that it is the way he handles things….well, he can handle things by himself. Praying that he will see the errors of his ways and find peace. Someone who is an abuser does not have peace within.
My spouse will leave the house for a day up to a few days and one time one week. He wouldn’t answer any calls from me and I once had to call his office and leave a message so his office could call to let him know about a water leak. Then he would come home and I would be so releived I just cry and say I am sorry. I stopped calling, begging etc. And he stopped but than he changed his tatic to raging at me know to intimidate me its an awful way to live.
That is an awful way to live. You need to encourage him to seek professional help for his anger and control problem. I will be praying for you!
My spouse will leave the house for a day up to a few days and one time one week. He wouldn’t answer any calls from me and I once had to call his office and leave a message so his office could call to let him know about a water leak. Then he would come home and I would be so releived I just cry and say I am sorry. I stopped calling, begging etc. And he stopped but than he changed his tatic to raging at me know to intimidate me its an awful way to live.
That is an awful way to live. You need to encourage him to seek professional help for his anger and control problem. I will be praying for you!
Oh goodness! Yes, I've been on the receiving end of this with my mother….unfortunately, she never came out of it to talk with me on what I did wrong and WHY it was wrong (etc, etc, etc). There are times I refrain from talking to my children — but I think of it as a "Mommy's time out". A time for me to cool down and get Godly words into my mouth instead of spewing angrily! Great post!
My mom did as you Lisa and I think it is healthy to take a time out if you know your emotions will get the better of you. I have also been on the receiving end of this from a Christian woman who refuses to handle relationships in a healthy manner. It was God's grace and goodness that prevented me from ending up in a marriage with her otherwise I would have been in an unhealthy relationship.
Duke Taber Praise the Lord He revealed this truth to you beforehand!!!
Lisa Keva LOL One of those hard lessons where He had to stick my nose in it before I could smell it. I am just glad that I do not have to spend a lifetime dealing with someone who thinks the silent treatment is an acceptable behavior.
Oh goodness! Yes, I've been on the receiving end of this with my mother….unfortunately, she never came out of it to talk with me on what I did wrong and WHY it was wrong (etc, etc, etc). There are times I refrain from talking to my children — but I think of it as a "Mommy's time out". A time for me to cool down and get Godly words into my mouth instead of spewing angrily! Great post!
My mom did as you Lisa and I think it is healthy to take a time out if you know your emotions will get the better of you. I have also been on the receiving end of this from a Christian woman who refuses to handle relationships in a healthy manner. It was God's grace and goodness that prevented me from ending up in a marriage with her otherwise I would have been in an unhealthy relationship.
Duke Taber Praise the Lord He revealed this truth to you beforehand!!!
Lisa Keva LOL One of those hard lessons where He had to stick my nose in it before I could smell it. I am just glad that I do not have to spend a lifetime dealing with someone who thinks the silent treatment is an acceptable behavior.