The searing emotional pain. The numbness that comes over your soul. The uncontrollable anger. The despair, depression, and bleakness that permeates everything you do. These are just a few of the things that I experienced after divorce. Nothing seems normal. Everything is turned on its head.
Even though I felt alone, I was not alone. Millions of people experience the same things that I did. But did that matter to me at the time? Heck no! I wandered and groped my way along trying to find my way out of the maze that was my shattered life. In fact if it was not for the grace of God sending me a dear pastor/brother/friend from the other end of the theological spectrum, I am not sure where I would be today. God has a very unique sense of humor. He sent a Southern Baptist pastor to minister grace to a broken Pentecostal pastor.
Please allow me to share with you some of the things I learned that helped me get to the place where there truly is life after divorce.
Whatever you do, do not hop out of your marriage and into another relationship. You have a huge emotional hole in your heart, and I will guarantee that your emotional need will fool you into believing you have met the right person, will satisfy your heart, and will solve your problems. It doesn’t! Take it from someone who learned the hard way! You will get a quick fix, administer a band aid, but you will not heal, and when the relationship fails, which it will inevitably do, because no person can heal a heart or fill that emotional hole, it will do more damage to your already hurting heart. It will just re-open and further tear you up.
Face the emotional pain. Instead of trying to just ignore it, or believe that time will heal all things. Deal with it. Time does not heal wounds like this, it only gives you time to get used to living with the pain. You become desensitized. If you do not actually deal with the pain, it will sit waiting and festering until something reminds you of it, and it comes once again to the top and overwhelms you.
Get help! No one is an expert on divorce recovery when they first start the journey. You are a novice and you have no clue what to do, or which direction to follow. There are many good divorce recovery programs out there, but the one I was led to, and the one that worked for me was Divorcecare. It is not the type of course where you shout and dance and do the Pentecostal jig (sorry to disappoint my fellow Charismatics and Pentecostals, not everything is glory to glory) but rather it is a program that will lead you through the valley of the shadow of death. It will help you worth through the stages of inner healing and recovery. It will make you cry, mourn, and do some major introspection if you do it right, but in the end, you will find that the grace of God is so much bigger than divorce.
Finally, and I say this to both sexes. Deal with yourself. It takes 2 to make a marriage work and it takes 2 to make a marriage fail. Instead of focusing on what the other person did wrong, (that is between them and God) focus on what you did wrong. I have found that until you deal with you, and you get to the point that your heart knows it needs forgiveness from God, and receives that forgiveness, that healing does not come. Somehow healing is blocked until we deal with our heart’s need to be forgiven. I think that is why James talks about links forgiveness of sins and healing together in James
“13-15 Are you hurting? Pray. Do you feel great? Sing. Are you sick? Call the church leaders together to pray and anoint you with oil in the name of the Master. Believing-prayer will heal you, and Jesus will put you on your feet. And if you’ve sinned, you’ll be forgiven—healed inside and out.”
Is there life after divorce? Yes! But only if you allow God to do what He does best. Heal the brokenhearted! Someday you will be ready for a relationship, in His timing. I am still waiting for that timing 10 years later, but I have to be honest. I have such a great life now, and I have come to such a place of contentment, that I don’t need someone to be happy. I am happy in Jesus! And that is the truth.
So no matter when your divorced happened or why it happened, there is life after divorce. Hear the words of the Prophet Isaiah in Chapter 61, a Messianic prophecy fulfilled in Jesus.
“2 He has sent me to tell those who mourn
that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,
and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
3 To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.”
Now that is something to think about!
Blessings!
Pastor Duke
About the Author:
Pastor Duke Taber has been a believer in Jesus for 33 years. He has been a pastor for over 20 years currently serving at the Vineyard church in Pine Haven Wyoming and was formerly the secretary treasurer of White Pine County Ministerial Association. He is an alumnus of LIFE Bible College and Multnomah Biblical Seminary. He is a syndicated blogger at The Christian Post and Believe.com You can connect with Pastor Duke on Google+, Twitter, or on Facebook
PastorDuke – who has written 727 posts on Taber's Truths Christian Living Magazine.
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I’ve been separated since 2009 Thanksgiving. My second marriage. I was disobedient, went astray, remarried and now I see the consequences. I have 2 children from each marriage. My youngest child is a boy and he has down syndrome. I have been in excruciating emotional pain. I want to do God’s will, not mine. I know God is an awesome God! I ask God to do His will in my life. My children are sad, they miss their Dad. My son was 7 months when we separated, he doesn’t know his Dad. I cry and pray to God, that I know He has everything under control! I ask God for emotional help…divorce is a very painful experience indeed. God bless you all. This article brings comfort and spiritual wisdom! God continue to bless and use you pastor Duke
Leticia, I am sorry that you have had to go through this pain. There is life for a Christian after divorce. Let God heal you up and then you will see His plan in all of this. He truly has a hope and a future for you even if you blew it. There is abundant grace and mercy for the Christian even when we are disobedient and return like the prodigal son.
I’ve been separated since 2009 Thanksgiving. My second marriage. I was disobedient, went astray, remarried and now I see the consequences. I have 2 children from each marriage. My youngest child is a boy and he has down syndrome. I have been in excruciating emotional pain. I want to do God’s will, not mine. I know God is an awesome God! I ask God to do His will in my life. My children are sad, they miss their Dad. My son was 7 months when we separated, he doesn’t know his Dad. I cry and pray to God, that I know He has everything under control! I ask God for emotional help…divorce is a very painful experience indeed. God bless you all. This article brings comfort and spiritual wisdom! God continue to bless and use you pastor Duke
Leticia, I am sorry that you have had to go through this pain. There is life for a Christian after divorce. Let God heal you up and then you will see His plan in all of this. He truly has a hope and a future for you even if you blew it. There is abundant grace and mercy for the Christian even when we are disobedient and return like the prodigal son.
Thank you for such a wonderful testimony. I’ve recently divorced with 2 young girls. After my divorce I lost everything I ever worked for. I am currently recovering though I realy have no one to share my pain with. My pastors said all negative things about me. That made me stay away from church. I went through depression, but went back to God. I accepted my losses and am continuing to pray to God. I believe He will restore my soul. I pray that I will be able to get a job and help my kids. Thank you
I am sorry to hear about your loss. I will be praying for you my friend. It is not easy but I am confident that God will use what was meant for evil, and turn it around for good and for His glory.
Thank you for such a wonderful testimony. I’ve recently divorced with 2 young girls. After my divorce I lost everything I ever worked for. I am currently recovering though I realy have no one to share my pain with. My pastors said all negative things about me. That made me stay away from church. I went through depression, but went back to God. I accepted my losses and am continuing to pray to God. I believe He will restore my soul. I pray that I will be able to get a job and help my kids. Thank you
I am sorry to hear about your loss. I will be praying for you my friend. It is not easy but I am confident that God will use what was meant for evil, and turn it around for good and for His glory.
I’ve been single for 10 years too, no kids and just now getting back into a church family. I was in active in church when my divorce happened and felt abandoned after reaching out to my pastor for help, hence the absence from church. I have joined another denomination and feel like I am back ‘home’. I wouldn’t wish divorce on my worst enemy, it is the most painful thing I’ve ever been through and I have buried my two parents and a step-dad.
You are right. It is the most painful thing I have experienced as well. It is a shame how many churches and Christian leaders respond to those going through divorce and are in such pain. That is why I have stepped forward to confront this issue and to encourage people who are going through divorce. I am glad to see you are on your way back. God is not done with you yet and He is going to use your testimony and experience to help others.
Blessings to you my friend.
this is awesome. been divorced for almost 8 yrs. i truly believe in marriage and in the God of second chances. i am still waiting upon him to bring my prince to me…the one that we are equally yorked…at the same time i pray everyday, that he keeps working on me so that when the time comes, i will be prepared to be the Godly wife that He wants me to be to my husband. Thank you for sharing your testimony!
Amen!!! Great article! I currently am in a Divorce Care group at my church. It’s awesome. You hit every nail point on the head!!! We were separated for about 5 years but still living in the same home. We separated in January 2011 and divorce was final in August 2011. The week after the divorce being final, he’s already on his second girlfriend. I pray for him, but he’s got to wake up and be responsible for his own actions!!!! I’m in a relationship with JESUS!!! I’m working on me and growing closer to God. Taking care of my teen boys and loving the life that I have in God. Each day mercies are brand new!!! I am ok with being single (and at my age!!) because I can use this time to grow into the person that God wants me to be. Past that, I’m letting Him write love story – if it’s HIS will. Keep up the great work and serving the Lord!!! God Bless!!!
I have gotten to the point, and it took me a while, that I am both content and happy. I don't have to work at it. That being said, I really don't know if God will give me someone, or if His plan is for me to stay single. I don't think about it much anymore.
Ten years. Wow. We have a dear friend who has been divorced for about seven years and decided some time ago that God would not send her a husband again. It can be difficult to be faithful when you feel alone because it sometimes slips our minds that we will never be alone if we are living in Him.
Jill, good question. I do not believe in a one sided fault divorce. It may not be 50/50 but none of us are without some blame. I won't go into the types of questions I would ask myself if I were you, especially in a public setting like this. But I would suggest you sit down with the Lord and ask Him, what could I have done differently that were not pleasing to you. It is a dangerous prayer because every time you ask God "What is wrong with me?" He tells you! LOL
Only thing what if you had nothing to do with what your spouse did? They cheated because they were insecure about themselves.
You are right. It is the most painful thing I have experienced as well. It is a shame how many churches and Christian leaders respond to those going through divorce and are in such pain. That is why I have stepped forward to confront this issue and to encourage people who are going through divorce. I am glad to see you are on your way back. God is not done with you yet and He is going to use your testimony and experience to help others.
Blessings to you my friend.